Guidelines for Civil Discourse
Civil discourse may seem hard to come by online these days, but I have managed to find some success with it. After much trial and error, I have found these six guidelines to be the most effective:
1. No pejoratives of any kind
2. Avoid rhetorical questions
3. Avoid the word “should”
4. Avoid using the second person
5. No trolling or sealioning
6. Let people be wrong
ONE: No pejoratives. People generally use pejoratives when they want to be mean. If you want to be mean that’s your prerogative, but it’s not civil. Avoid pejorative terms and keep in mind that some words or phrases that you do not mean to be pejorative may be taken that way. People tend to have personal connections to their ideas and opinions (especially their beliefs) and may see criticism you see as fair as pejorative.
TWO: Avoid rhetorical questions. I personally do not recognize rhetorical questions. It’s difficult to tell when someone expects an answer to a question. My rule of thumb is that people ask questions when they want an answer. If you want to make a statement, make a statement. 90% of the time rhetorical questions are meant to be argumentative rather than conversational. But rather than presume a question is argumentative or uncivil, I give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a natural question.
THREE: Avoid the word “should.” This is good practice for keeping discourse as civil and descriptive as possible. Sometimes a harmless “should” will slip through and other times it can’t be avoided. Which is fine. These are guidelines, not rules. You can avoid being prescriptive with a statement by qualifying its context. There’s a big difference between saying something like “you shouldn’t eat the salsa” as opposed to saying, “this salsa is very spicy, so if you don’t like spicy foods you should avoid it.” The latter is more descriptive and enables more agency, whereas the former is prescriptive and vague.
FOUR: Avoid using the second person. Using the second person makes the conversation personal in a grammatical sense, which often leads to the discussion becoming personal in an emotional sense. Bias and perspective are going to be a part of fair discourse, but a free exchange of ideas should focus on the ideas themselves not the people who share them. Stick with the third person as much as possible to keep the personal aspects out of the discussion. The exception to this guideline is when you ask someone a direct question in good faith (i.e. “What do you think about this strategy?” etc.).
FIVE: No Sealioning or trolling. Sealioning is a form of feigning good faith in an argument to badger someone with a different opinion. Some people do this on purpose just to be annoying. Others do it maliciously to tie up your time and attention to keep your message from reaching more receptive ears. Civility includes being respectful of other people’s time and boundaries, even online. Be sure to know your own boundaries so you can draw your own lines and call people out for sealioning or trolling when you see it.
SIX: Let people be wrong. The best advice I can give to anyone is to let people be wrong. Practicing this advice has made my life easier and kept me out of a lot of trouble. If you’re not a specialist in the subject matter at hand it’s best not to overstep your bounds by pretending to be an expert. If you are a specialist correcting people for the purpose of instruction is working for free. Civil discourse is a free exchange of ideas. When you think that someone is “wrong,” that means you have a different idea. Share your ideas from your perspective while respecting their perspective. Overstepping into a role of instructor creates an uneven dynamic which can lead to conflict and undermine the discussion.
If all parties involved abide by these guidelines online discourse should remain forgivably civil at least and pleasantly productive at best. When you engage in discourse with unknown parties you can use these guidelines as standards for acceptable engagement. Feel free to use these guidelines, or a personal variant thereof, for your own discussions. If you do find yourself engages with people who are not making any attempt to abide by reasonable standards, then remove yourself form the discussion.
